I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
not ubering you a puppy
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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