I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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