We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
