who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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