i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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