i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
