he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
