I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
