she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
