this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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