I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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