I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
