I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
