We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
