I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
