We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
