My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
