i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
