just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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