Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
