I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
