this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
