Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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