Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
