So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
