Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
