I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
