Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
