he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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