gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
