i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
