Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
