Tell her she can't have a vagina
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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