I will die if light touches me.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
