hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
