Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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