i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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