I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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