im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
