she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
