Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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