I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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