you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
