I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
