At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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