Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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