Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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