my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
