The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
