All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
