The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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