The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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